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Many people don’t realise that Pakistan’s recently concluded Test series in New Zealand was actually a home series for them, thanks to the combined genius of the ICC policy-makers and the security situation back home in Pakistan.

Inspired by this, teams such as India and Sri Lanka have hit upon the evil plan of improving their less-than-impressive overseas records by playing all their away series at home.

“Yes! If Pakistan can play home series in New Zealand, then we can play away series in India itself. Finally we will beat Australia in Australia by beating them in India. It’s brilliant,” schemed BCCI president Shashank Manohar, rubbing his palms with glue.

“Damn! It was supposed to be glee, not glue! For heaven’s sake. Dumb writer! Careless editor!” he cursed, unable to separate his palms for a few hours afterwards.

The Sri Lankan cricket authorities are also thrilled with the idea.

“For our next away series, no one can accuse us of preparing slow, lifeless wickets. We can’t help it if countries like South Africa or England prepare such wickets in Sri Lanka, which end up helping the away team,” winked former Sri Lanka captain Arjuna Ranatunga, slightly breathless as always.

The news has had spinners Muttiah Muralitharan and Ajantha Mendis licking their lips with glee (hence cleverly escaping gluing their mouths shut).

“If Pakistan played a home series in New Zealand, we can safely conclude that Pakistan is New Zealand, since Pakistan’s home is Pakistan. This means that Pakistan recently drew the series against Pakistan, played in New Zealand, which is actually Pakistan,” said an increasingly flustered-looking former New Zealand great Sarfraz Nawaz. “What’s next? People will soon claim that Barbados, Jamaica and West Indies are one and the same,” he signed off.

“This new development essentially means that international boundaries have become completely irrelevant. Good, now let’s all quickly form clubs and play some IPL,” grinned IPL commissioner Lalit Modi, displaying a keen sense of opportunism that would have made Ruud Van Nistelrooy turn green with envy.

In the meantime, South African (or possibly Bangladeshi) legend Makhaya Ntini played his 100th Test match in Durban against England (or possibly Australia). In a typically cheerful and upbeat mood on the eve of the match, Ntini told presspersons that he had absolutely no regrets at the impending end of his long and distinguished career. “Except, it would be nice if Sunny Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri would finally stop referring to me as ‘En-tini’. Can’t be that hard, yeah?” he winked. “I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate being referred to as Eggvaskar or… er… ah… ,” he trailed off, unable to think of an interesting play on “Shastri”.

Also, the effigy-burning fans in Kolkata, India, have decided to protect their rights by forming an “effigy-burners’ union”.

“We have to regularly burn people such as Greg Chappell, MS Dhoni and Shah Rukh Khan in effigy for hurting the sentiments of Bengali cricket fans. But the media always shows us in a negative light. We have decided to protect ourselves by forming a union,” said someone whose name sounded like “Sinestro”, but that couldn’t possibly be true. Apparently, the effigy-burners’ union will deal with anyone who criticises them by burning their effigies.

And finally, there is no need to panic over rumours about a new horror film based on the return of JY Lele to Indian cricket administration. The film is unlikely to see the light of day because a succession of studio executives have had fatal heart attacks while contemplating the idea for green-lighting.

It’s first a clash of ethos, of philosophies and even of time, more than a semi-final. Here is truly man against machine, the art of cricket against the science of it, cricket’s future and cricket’s past. South Africa’s progress to this point has been smooth, well-planned, calculated and inevitable, as if their players were born to do this. Pakistan have got here in shambles – losing games, winning some, treating it all as a bit of fun – and the players not so much born to do this are struggling to discover why they are doing it at all.

South Africa lack nowhere and nothing. If Jacques Kallis and Graeme Smith are the efficient drones at the top, there is heart in the middle, with the ever-frail skills of Herschelle Gibbs and the creativity of AB de Villiers. Even Albie Morkel, in whom there are glimpses of Zulu, thankfully smiles more. They’ve always had pace, but now they even have spinners, who are not batsmen forced to bowl. Sure, they are a little one-dimensional (watching videos of Umar Gul’s yorkers?), but they are spinners – South African and successful; how often have we said that in the past?

The whole machinery is intimidating, determined to iron out all kinks, the mission pre-programmed; with seven consecutive wins in this format, they have apparently also taken the inherent unpredictability of this format out of the equation. They are well-trained, well-oiled, and their psychologist talks about 120 contests and of processes over outcomes and how choking is not really an issue anymore. They win even warm-up matches and the dead games because every game counts. They are cricket’s future.

Pakistan are the past. They are wholly dysfunctional, but just about getting along, though unsure where they are going. They don’t control their extras, they don’t run the singles hard and they field as if it were still the 60s. They are least bothered about erasing the flaws because any win will be in spite of them. They did hire a psychologist though, and you can only imagine what those sessions were like and how much they actually talked about sport and cricket. There are permanent mutterings of serious rifts. They may not bat, bowl or field well all the time, but sometimes, they do what can only be described as a ‘Pakistan’: that is, they bowl, bat or field spectacularly, briefly, to change the outcome of matches. You cannot plan or account for this as an opponent because Pakistan themselves don’t plan or account for it.

It can come from any person, any discipline, but on evidence, it is likelier to come from the bowling. The batting needs Shoaib Malik and Misbah-ul-Haq to really get their show going. A piece of fielding brilliance cannot be discounted, but generally both Pakistan and West Indies have happily disproved the dictum that in T20 cricket you have to be Jonty Rhodes to get anywhere. Heroes will likely be found among the Umar Guls, the spinners and maybe even Mohammad Aamer, who is a throwback to the late 80s and early 90s, when Pakistani fast bowlers were born ready to play international cricket.

The pressure on South Africa however, will be greater. They are expected to win this and anyway they will always have the whole ‘chokers’ tag to deal with until the day they actually lift a big trophy. It doesn’t help that they look as good as they did during the 1999 World Cup, though they are easier on the eye. Pakistan, as Younis Khan said before leaving for England, won’t much mind a semi-final spot; Kamran Abbasi rightly noted that they may have had an easier ride to the semis than most but no country has had a rougher two years. Clearly they’d love to win it, but they have already achieved more than many thought and a loss wouldn’t be the end of the world. But importantly, as the only side to make it to the last four in 2007 and 2009, they have underscored their significance in this brave new, T20 world, a world in which they absolutely cannot be ignored.

South Africa are confident they can handle Umar Gul’s reverse swing when they clash with Pakistan in the World Twenty20 semi-final on Thursday.

Gul is the main reason the enigmatic Pakistanis have progressed so far in the tournament after a stuttering start, and will be expected to deliver again to see his team through to the final.

The right-arm seamer grabbed a sensational five wickets for six runs against New Zealand in a must-win at the Oval last Saturday, the first ever five-wicket haul in Twenty20 internationals.

Gul, who was the highest wicket-taker in the inaugural World Twenty20 in South Africa when Pakistan ended runners-up to India, again tops the list with 12 scalps in this tournament.

South African captain Graeme Smith, buoyed by his side’s unbeaten run in the tournament, admitted Gul will be the main threat to their chances of reaching the final.

“Umar has obviously bowled really well,” said Smith of the bowler who comes into the attack in the later part of the innings and extracts reverse swing to the surprise of his rivals.

“Their tactics are pretty up front, in the sense that they have been holding him back and using other guys first,” Smith said.

“We have obviously discussed it. We have toured the sub-continent before and come across that type of situation, but it is something we will talk about.”

Gul will find the slow Trent Bridge pitch different from the one at the Oval, but Pakistan have a line of spinners to exploit the conditions.

Off-spinner Saeed Ajmal is joint second with Sri Lanka’s Lasith Malinga in the wicket-taker’s list with 11 wickets, while leg-spinning all-rounder Shahid Afridi has eight.

“We have the bowlers to do well in all conditions,” said Pakistani coach Intikhab Alam.

“I look forward to the challenge of playing South Africa.”

Pakistan were routed by the same rivals in a practice match ahead of the tournament at Trent Bridge, losing by 59 runs after being bowled out for 127 in reply to South Africa’s 186-7.

Alam insisted his team had come a long way since then.

“We had just come to England then and were getting used to the conditions,” he said.

“Now we are well-prepared. South Africa are certainly not unbeatable.

“If you play to your strengths and do the basics right any opponent can be beaten.”

Smith, however, said his team had done enough so far to give him confidence that Pakistan’s challenge can be quelled on a wicket where South Africa beat defending champions India by 12 runs on Tuesday.

“We have had a few different challenges, and it was good for us to play on a surface like this and beat India on it,” he said.

“For us to be in the final would be terrific. We are professional and clinical, but I think we have proven that we have enough flair and options available to us to be the all-round package.

“This team has come a long way, and we have proved that. How we have played under pressure has been incredible.”Sri Lanka face the West Indies in the other semi-final at the Oval on Friday, with the final scheduled to take place at Lord’s on Sunday.

Former Pakistan skipper Wasim Akram has predicted a Pakistan-Sri Lanka clash in the final of the on-going World Twenty20 tournament to be held at Lord’s on June 21.

“Agreed that South Africa and Sri Lanka are still unbeaten in the tournament so far, but most dangerous of the four to me looks to be Pakistan. With the return of Abdul Razzaq, the side looks very strong. They have variety in the bowling and suddenly they are looking like a side which can cause a major upset,” Akram wrote in his column for The Times of India.

“I think it is back to the days when I was playing, when Pakistan would do well depending on which side of the bed they got out from. The present team’s fielding has improved and it looks like the confidence is back though than can be said of the West Indies as well,” he further wrote.

“My gut feeling is that despite the various strengths and weaknesses of the other teams, it will be a Pakistan-Sri Lanka final. I hope this prediction comes true,” he added.

In keeping with a captivating tournament where sustained excellence has been consistently rewarded the Twenty20 World Cup semi-finalists have been the best teams in the competition.

South Africa meet Pakistan in Nottingham on Thursday followed by Sri Lanka against West Indies at the Oval on Friday. The final will be staged at Lord’s on Sunday.

A Sri Lanka-Pakistan final would provide an emotional climax to the tournament following the armed attack on the Sri Lanka team in Lahore in March.

Captain Kumar Sangakkara was one of six Sri Lanka players wounded by a small group of heavily armed men who killed six Pakistani policemen and the driver of the bus carrying the match officials.

The more likely outcome is an enticing clash of cultures and styles between the innovative and intelligent Sri Lankans and the rigorously drilled and athletic South Africans.

After grinding their way to a narrow victory over New Zealand in the first round, South Africa have gone from strength to strength. They cover all bases in attack and defence with high pace from Dale Steyn and Wayne Parnell, effective spin from Johan Botha and Roelof van der Merwe, sharp fielding and lengthy batting headed by Graeme Smith and Jacques Kallis.

Kallis epitomises the team’s ambition and spirit. Derided as too conservative for one-day cricket, he has proven an effective opening partner for captain Smith and at 34 he is bowling with the zest of a man 10 years younger.

South Africa go into their World Twenty20 semi-final against Pakistan on Thursday confident they have ditched their reputation as chokers.

The South Africans have regularly failed to take opportunities to reach finals and semi-finals and to close out Test series from winning positions but coach Mickey Arthur said he believed this team was different.

“We could get beaten tomorrow, and then again the chokers tag might surface,” Arthur told reporters on Wednesday. “But for us, that’s not an issue. As long as we are playing the game to the best of our ability and we are not panicking in the crucial situations, we’re not scared of losing.

“The guys have been put in these situations over the last 18 months and have come through with flying colours. Mentally, our team is very, very strong and ready to go to another level.”

South Africa needed only 126 to beat India on run rate at the 2007 Twenty20 World Cup and make the semi-finals but they fell 10 runs short.

In the 50-over World Cup the same year they were thrashed by Australia in the semi-finals after trying to change their tactics.

In 1999 in England they tied with Australia in the World Cup semi-final after panicking in the final over, crashing out on a technicality when they were favourites to progress.

But they have been working to ensure they stay cool in pressure situations with the appointment of Englishman Jeremy Snape as high performance manager, specialising in psychology, an example of their attention to detail.

Wicketkeeper Mark Boucher, a survivor of the 1999 tied match, joked that Snape “has been on my couch a couple of times”.

He said the former England player has developed a mantra called the “three-second chill” which is designed to help players compose themselves at pressure moments.

“We have been in a couple of semis before, but there is a different feeling this time,” said Boucher. “We have a different management, different players – and we’ve been through a lot of tests in the last year that we’ve come through.

“We’ve handled pressure pretty well and we hope that’s a sign of things to come in the latter stages of this tournament.”

Jacques Kallis, rested for the match against India on Tuesday because of a sore back, should return at Trent Bridge.

How accurate are Gary Kirsten’s views of why India failed in their ICC World T20 campaign?

They are as accurate as you are going to find. No frills, no excuses, it is just an honest assessment of what went wrong and why. In this, his thinking is similar to that of England’s coach Andy Flower, but for differing reasons.

As Flower pointed out, England’s present status at limited overs international level is six and their erratic performances in this ICC event concur with this position. Which suggest then there is something wrong with Sri Lanka’s efforts? They are ranked seven after a list of failed ODI series yet along with South Africa, who head the standings with Australia second and India third, Sri Lanka could be finalists.

This suggests that if the International Cricket Council are to release T20 rankings, they will need to rethink the formula on how these can be rated. After winning the maiden event India were given a mythological number one spot, but check out the reality: since their post series success in South Africa two years ago, they have played only five Twenty/20 games, losing three – all outside the subcontinent.

For this year’s edition, most of us misread the signs. The feeling has been that India would make a good fist of their efforts to retain the crown. Yet there was a certain conceit, which didn’t look good at all and fissures in team confidence and their performances began to show not all was working well.

Pre-tournament, Kirsten kept his concerns to himself. It gave the impression of how a high profile card player in a game of poker, where stakes are always high and risks manifold as in any guessing game, knew there were serious problems.

It is where long-term strategies are needed: reading pitches, as well as balancing the batting and bowling combinations, and also ensure the fielders remain sharp and alert, are all part of a carefully prepared team structure.

Better known as ‘Gazza’ in his playing days, Kirsten is a shrewd coach, and his comments of how the pretentious Lalit Modi and his gaudy roadshow, the Indian Premier League, interfered with the pre-tournament preparation of the team’s quest need serious consideration. Apportioning blame in the right areas on how the players underperformed are highlighted, but here, no one has until now wanted to point a finger at how the opportunist Modi and IPL played its divisive role.

Modi knew months in advance the dates of the ICC event in England. But just as he thumbed his nose at India and exposed why playing this year’s IPL when the elections were on was all wrong. He ignored the needs of Kirsten’s pre-series plan and the needs of Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s squad for the event.

Little wonder is it that Kirsten is seriously thinking of requesting that players be excused from next year’s IPL with the ICC World T20 in the Caribbean barely nine months away.

Kirsten’s thoughts of the problem facing the players, was confirmed with just one glance at that ugly sporting metaphor known as ‘the dugout’ at Lord’s after the defeat by England by three runs. It turned up the volume to ghetto-blaster level for the nation to observe a distressed side and no Modi in sight to commiserate. By then he had slunk into the shadows.

Kirsten’s views are a simplified prognosis of the abject failure, while Modi and his cronies, on whose planning of the IPL emerged after the initial ICC success in September 2007, need to take responsibility for running the IPL tournament so close to a high-profile ICC event.

Of course such spurious types like Modi, interested only in money and who cares about Team India, its image as well as the board and long-term success.

Yet, Sri Lanka and South Africa also had most of their ICC tournament players involved in the IPL and they have shown remarkable form, fitness and ability to stay in the hunt for the trophy. It makes you wonder why they were howling in the Colombo media over Sri Lanka’s players opting out of an England tour, which the po-faced West Indies played with seeming reluctance.

Reading, however, Kirsten’s comments, it is easy to see why he and the management felt frustrated. Citing lack of preparation, especially the physical as well as the mental approach, and losing contact with the players through the IPL displays a major disruption factor. It makes for compelling reading, as it is about the old story of how a divergence in team loyalty creates a fragmented identity. It is not enough to play in one Twenty20 tournament in one country that involves franchises, then fly to another less than a week later to prepare for an international event.

The grinning Modi of course couldn’t care less. He is looking at ways to break into the North American market. To Modi it is a game about making money, while to the players it is about pride and reputations.

It is here where the players have been on the losing end of the deal and will serve a lesson not to take success for granted.

The PCB has decided to call up Abdul Razzaq to replace one of its two injured players in the ongoing ICC World Twenty20. The request, if accepted, will make Razzaq the first former ICL player to return to international cricket.

The request was sent to the ICC’s technical committee and, though there’s no official confirmation it has been accepted, sources close to the Pakistan camp and the player claimed it had.

“We have made a request to the ICC for Abdul Razzaq as a replacement,” Ijaz Butt, the PCB chairman, told Cricinfo. “He is an allrounder and we’ve requested he replace Arafat, who is also an allrounder.”

A source close to the player also confirmed that Razzaq had been contacted by the board and apprised of the situation.

While both Yasir Arafat and Sohail Tanvir are carrying injuries, Arafat’s hamstring strain seems the more serious and Razzaq would represent a like-for-like change in that he is an allrounder.

Razzaq was one of several ex-ICL players granted amnesty by the PCB a few weeks back, shortly after the Indian board set the ball rolling for players to come in from the unofficial league. Other boards followed suit; some set a ‘cooling off’ period in place, while others like the PCB said they would handle each player on a case-by-case basis.

Ironically, Razzaq’s name was on the original list of 30 probables the PCB had sent to the ICC in early April – before the BCCI announced the amnesty – but the board u-turned and scratched his name off because the ICC objected to his ICL status. And with more irony, the comeback completes a full circle of sorts for Razzaq: it was only after being overlooked for the 2007 World Twenty20 squad that he decided to turn his back on Pakistan cricket. He lambasted the team’s set-up at the time, claiming he had been treated badly and then retired from international cricket, before taking back his announcement.

Pakistan will welcome back Razzaq’s skills. He was one of the ICL’s most valuable players, leading his franchise Hyderabad Heroes to the title in the first season and a runners-up spot the second time round. His form in the recently-concluded domestic Twenty20 was outstanding as well and limited-overs competitions in England hold special memories. It was in the 1999 World Cup that Razzaq first announced himself as a major talent, picking up a bundle of wickets and scoring some crucial runs, often at one down.

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